It's The Thought That Matters

...from all these feels. I can only think of one Malay proverb which strikes me the hardest now. Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya akan jatuh ke tanah juga. Why this proverb is because I've never felt so low since God knows when. I'm usually the person who smiles the most, laughs the most, jokes around and acting all cheerful but recently, I can't even hide my emotions that I've been able to mask for most of the times. I don't see the need to have feelings of suspicion, doubt, loneliness and insecurity but hey, I'm only human and there's only so much that I can tolerate and bottle up. Speak to someone, people would tell me but I just can't seem to do it because all this while, I'm self-sufficient as my friend said about this morning and one of the reasons why I behave the way I do is because my friends already have their problems to deal with. They don't need to listen and be troubled with mine as well. I know that sometimes it's not easy to give up time to listen to someone empty what they feel to you and I'm no different. If I were to tell of my worries and doubts to my friends, who knows when will they get sick of my endless complaints. So instead of ranting, I decide to be happy instead. Let the other me, who's usually in the room alone, deal with these matters. Characteristically speaking, I'm the same person wherever I go. It's just that I don't show myself frowning and scowling whenever I'm around my friends. Enough of that and moving on to the next thing that made me feel even lower was that I did not perform up to my own expectations due to overconfidence. Sometimes I envy those who're able to stay at the top consistently. How do they manage to not feel overconfident about themselves and continue to work so hard like they always do? Where do they get the motivation to do so? I tried motivating myself with various things and it always seems to fail within a few days time. Maybe I should deprive myself of something and work for it but that's the problem, I have never been deprived of my needs and although I have strong willpower, it's never strong enough to keep me going on for the rest of my revision. At least tonight, I did what I had to. Cleared any doubt or misunderstanding that may have happened throughout the few months. It is really a relief to get this off my shoulders and I feel that I'm able to breathe and sleep properly now. I'm really sorry if I disappointed you or hurt you in any way possible but believe me I did what I had to in order to preserve what would be better for us in the long run. It'll be painful for both of us if things went wrong and it won't be easy to find another good friend like you so I hope you'd understand my reasons. I think this is all I have to say for now and I hope that if any of you are reading this, I hope I have answered your questions on why am I behaving the way I am for the past few weeks. Good night, guys.